So here we are (we meaning me myself and I) 27 years old (shit, I mean 28 years old) and having the dreaded quarter life crisis. Everyday seems to be an endless barrage of the same bullshit. Work, eat, watch tv, sleep. Ive never felt so empty, lost, without identity. For the first time in my life I can say I am boring and bored. Clock in clock out, everyday is the same.
At 28 I seem to have lost all hobbies. 10 years ago you could find me out at shows, meeting new people, obsessing over music and reading. Today you can find me planted, dull, much like the dry late summer earth. Cracked, worn, ready for a change in season. Even 6 months ago I was taking pride in my body, my supposed temple. These last 7 weeks I have abused my body with an abundance of inactivity and poor diet. My body is telling me that I have been cruel, I can feel it everyday when I wake up.
I've been stuck in this pattern of inactivity for too long. I'm not happy with my job, im not happy with my body, im not happy with me overall. It's time for a change. I present The Erica Manifesto:
1. My body is a temple. I have to treat it well, come to love it, to fully live in it. I will treat it with respect with a good diet. This means no crash diets, no cleanses, no counting calories, just eating food that has a natural source with wholesome ingredients. I will excercise everyday. I will find a beautiful strength in my body. Exercise should not be a weight loss tool, it should be a confidence builder. I simply want to banish "fat days" and only have happy days.
2. My mind is a muscle. As I get older and more aware of my lack of interests, hobbies, and overall unhappiness with my lack of building a better me, I have become so aware of how much technology has come to rule my life. I wish some days that I could go back to a flip phone with no internet and only phone and text. Mindless and endless scrolling through social media, looking at list pages (who cares about remembering Polly pocket via buzzfeed), and constant taunting of amplified happiness has only led me to staring hard at my own perceived inadequacies. This isn't healthy. No one has their shit together, but social media can be twisted and perceived that they do. Technology has only led me to the boring sack of bland I am today. I spend so much time scrolling that I forget to focus on who i am as a person, who I can be as a person, and my own exponential potential. From this point forward, I will limit my internet time to 1 hour per day. I will fill other hours with finally learning Norwegian, picking up violin again, and filling days of with trying new things like going to a museum.
3. Appreciate "wanderlust" (I hate that fucking word). You know I live in a fabulous city. One that is rich in both fascinating and complex history. Not to mention all of the old cities that surround via the metropolitan area. Kansas City is beautiful and I have called it home for 28 years, yet I rarely explore all it has to offer. I envy those who remain so active in advocating for change for our city, those who daringly build something new to better it. I need to explore this city more. I need to reach out to this community. This city has so much to offer, wandering through it is a beautiful task in of itself. I propose to myself to try something new in KC at least once a month.
4. Respect heritage. In the past several years I have developed a deep respect and interest in my Norweigan cultural heritage. While I am only a fraction Norweigan, there are traditions that we celebrate in my family that are deeply rooted. In the next 12 months, I will visit Norway.
5. Everyone deserves the same love and respect I will give myself. I'm not sure if it getting older or my anxiety disorder, but I have come to love being by myself far too much. While you would assume that is healthy, for me it isn't. The more I am alone with my own mind, I start to think too much, I start to regret too much. My mom calls it "cocooning", I wrap myself up in a shell of blankets and I fret. I overthink conversations I had and fret over my intended meaning and what I always assume will be a misinterpretation. I fret over what other people think of me. This constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing weighs on me so heavily. It's why I hate going to parties and shows. The constant fear of judgement. It's why I've been called an "ice bitch", I'm quiet, and I rarely start up conversations with strangers. It's also why I rarely reach out to people, it's why I have a hard time making and keeping friends. I'm guarded and I need to let this guard down. This will be my most difficult task, a change in my most stubborn trait. But I propose to myself to text or call someone at least once a day.
This manifesto, which really devolved into a goal list, will not be an easy change. But I desperately need change. I desperately need to regain confidence in myself and to be an interesting person again. I use to the phrase interesting person not to define me but rather to allow myself to have interests again. Less defining me by how I believe others perceive me. I am me and I need to change, but not because of anyone else, because I need to be a better person, a good person. And at this moment I cannot say that about myself.
