Drifter

Floating.
Just floating along.
The uncertainty, the months of it, it leaves you in this gelatinous puddle of apathy. This feeling has become normal. It's become okay, to just drift day to day, being pushed along by whichever way the tide decides. 

This sway, this drift, how can I modify it? Consciousness dictates that I acknowledge these feelings, that I recognize them. This is an amazing tool. How do I become the person who changes my own story? It's a pretty fundamental question, what defines us, how we define ourselves. Soul searching, or whatever the fuck you call it. These last several years I have struggled to define my own identity. Hell I have struggled with a predefined identity, one that society creates, my job creates, my friends create. The many masks that I wear that create a pretense of who I should be, but none are an actual reflection of who I really am. Years of pain related to a sad medical diagnosis, months of inward self reflection have me questioning who I am as a person. The answer is I just don't know.

But who am I? How do I define me? How do I define the predefined constructs of the expectations of everyone else? How can I give myself the room for this self expression? What do I want out of life? 

Sorry for this dribble of liquid brain contents. Sometimes just getting this out is like a small piece of therapy for me.