Drifter

Floating.
Just floating along.
The uncertainty, the months of it, it leaves you in this gelatinous puddle of apathy. This feeling has become normal. It's become okay, to just drift day to day, being pushed along by whichever way the tide decides. 

This sway, this drift, how can I modify it? Consciousness dictates that I acknowledge these feelings, that I recognize them. This is an amazing tool. How do I become the person who changes my own story? It's a pretty fundamental question, what defines us, how we define ourselves. Soul searching, or whatever the fuck you call it. These last several years I have struggled to define my own identity. Hell I have struggled with a predefined identity, one that society creates, my job creates, my friends create. The many masks that I wear that create a pretense of who I should be, but none are an actual reflection of who I really am. Years of pain related to a sad medical diagnosis, months of inward self reflection have me questioning who I am as a person. The answer is I just don't know.

But who am I? How do I define me? How do I define the predefined constructs of the expectations of everyone else? How can I give myself the room for this self expression? What do I want out of life? 

Sorry for this dribble of liquid brain contents. Sometimes just getting this out is like a small piece of therapy for me. 

Defining the calendar.

Finding beauty in simple acts seems like such a cliche. It probably is, but I love cliches. There's comfort in a cliche, a familiarity. 

I was mindlessly stuffing my head with a trip down the youtube rabbit hole, when I caught some dumb advertisement for a prescription. I can't remember what they were advertising but the ad was filled with 2 people just sitting at a dinner table talking and laughing. It wasn't anything special, they were probably advertising some new IBS drug, I don't know. What I do know is the comfort that I felt when I saw 2 people with a connection (I know they're actors), taking comfort with just each others' company. It was a beautiful thing, idyllic and serene. It made me ponder my connection to simplicity, appreciating just living and not the trying. 

2020 has been a fucked up year to say the least. Everything this year has taken so much effort and energy. Just getting motivated to get the day started is an infinite expenditure from a very empty well. You wax and wane between wanting to better yourself or just staring at your phone screen for mindless hours. You feel guilt when you simply can't muster energy to 'better yourself', but you feel exhausted the minute you try something new.

It took some envisioning, but I think I have it. 2020 isn't meant to push you to new heights, it's not here to bring you down, it's here to put your life back into perspective. Despite hardships, despite anxiety, pain, exhaustion, apathy, 2020 has shown us to take a hard look at what's important in life. Sitting on a couch with my husband, just sitting with him, is so comforting. Before the world fell a part, we would have been running out the door to do whatever we 'needed' to do; seeing friends, eating out, shopping, idk what the fuck ever we had going on, but it never felt like it was just the 2 of us. Now here we are, it was hard at first, not seeing our friends all of the time, not leaving the house on a whim, but I've never felt happier that it really is just the 2 of us until the end of the world. 

Organically building what it means to 'better yourself' is more important than ever. Once I decided that bettering myself really meant just living life, then things sort of evolved organically. Developing an appreciation for each other's company was the beginning, the weird hobbies came later. My music tastes changed completely into something unexpected but it has been my other companion through all of this. Roller skating to said music has also given me an outlet to unburden my mind. Having these outlets that developed organically makes them feel less burdensome and more of a fun hobby and dare I say, passion. 

TBH 2019 was a bad year for me and my little tiny family. Between bad medical news, a lot of sad things happening in the ER where I worked, and a full readjustment of my career and goals; 2020 was supposed to be an improvement, except now the whole world suffers and not just me. A wise friend at work who I frequently confided in told me some extremely sage advice that I have forever taken to heart: 'No matter how hard it gets, at the end of the day you still have each other'. I am so grateful for that advice, it has provided me with more comfort than that person probably even knows. It has gotten me through back to back hard years.

Moral of the story: thank you 2020, but like you can also fuck off.  

Help! I've fallen into a slump and I can get up!

So a follow up on my Erica Manifesto. I'm still relatively plagued by vast inactivity. However I recently scheduled myself with a personal trainer, hoping this will get me back on track. I have done well on my reaching out to people, I have contacted old coworkers who have moved and checked in on them. I have been trying my damnedest to not be a reclusive asshole, which is a really easy label to fall into when you are as anxious as me. We are still working towards travelling this summer, but we have some bills to pay first. And I guess that's all.

Overall I feel like this trying to build myself into a better person is a lot of fucking work and I am also realizing how insignificant I am (or whatever existential crisis bullshit you want to call it). However I am kinda at peace with this. I guess this really hit me last Monday.
Work is so humbling. I took care of a really sad case, and in the end I sat on the floor with one of the parents while they cried, and I cried with them. Then I cried the whole drive home, and I can't stop thinking about this family. I mean to see someone's entire world implode on itself is a heartbreaking thing and it really humbles you. It teaches you humility like nothing else in the world.
I have been struggling with my overall self-betterment because I think I have been chasing it with the wrong intentions. Am I doing this for myself, or for others? Then I completely realized, who the fuck cares?! Life is so short, tragedy can plague every corner, enjoy your life, love yourself, do what makes you happy.
So instead of an Erica Manifesto I am presenting you all with a list of what makes me the happiest:
1. My amazingly comforting husband.
2. My asshole cat
3. My husband's loving but totally dumb kitten
4. My wonderful friends who help me cope by just being rad
6. My family. My mom is my best friend.
5. My comics/nerd gear
6. Exercising: it really does help my overall anxiety
7. Being fortunate enough to have good health, a stable roof over my head and food in the pantry.

Seriously, life is so short. Find solstice and therapy in your own idea of comforts.

I'm sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed...

So here we are (we meaning me myself and I) 27 years old (shit, I mean 28 years old) and having the dreaded quarter life crisis. Everyday seems to be an endless barrage of the same bullshit. Work, eat, watch tv, sleep. Ive never felt so empty, lost, without identity. For the first time in my life I can say I am boring and bored. Clock in clock out, everyday is the same.
At 28 I seem to have lost all hobbies. 10 years ago you could find me out at shows, meeting new people, obsessing over music and reading. Today you can find me planted, dull, much like the dry late summer earth. Cracked, worn, ready for a change in season. Even 6 months ago I was taking pride in my body, my supposed temple. These last 7 weeks I have abused my body with an abundance of inactivity and poor diet. My body is telling me that I have been cruel, I can feel it everyday when I wake up.
I've been stuck in this pattern of inactivity for too long. I'm not happy with my job, im not happy with my body, im not happy with me overall. It's time for a change. I present The Erica Manifesto:
1. My body is a temple. I have to treat it well, come to love it, to fully live in it. I will treat it with respect with a good diet. This means no crash diets, no cleanses, no counting calories, just eating food that has a natural source with wholesome ingredients. I will excercise everyday. I will find a beautiful strength in my body. Exercise should not be a weight loss tool, it should be a confidence builder. I simply want to banish "fat days" and only have happy days.
2. My mind is a muscle. As I get older and more aware of my lack of interests, hobbies, and overall unhappiness with my lack of building a better me, I have become so aware of how much technology has come to rule my life. I wish some days that I could go back to a flip phone with no internet and only phone and text. Mindless and endless scrolling through social media, looking at list pages (who cares about remembering Polly pocket via buzzfeed), and constant taunting of amplified happiness has only led me to staring hard at my own perceived inadequacies. This isn't healthy. No one has their shit together, but social media can be twisted and perceived that they do. Technology has only  led me to the boring sack of bland I am today. I spend so much time scrolling that I forget to focus on  who i am as a person, who I can be as a person, and my own exponential potential. From this point forward, I will limit my internet time to 1 hour per day. I will fill other hours with finally learning Norwegian, picking up violin again, and filling days of with trying new things like going to a museum.
3. Appreciate "wanderlust" (I hate that fucking word). You know I live in a fabulous city. One that is rich in both fascinating and complex history. Not to mention all of the old cities that surround via the metropolitan area. Kansas City is beautiful and I have called it home for 28 years, yet I rarely explore all it has to offer. I envy those who remain so active in advocating for change for our city, those who daringly build something new to better it. I need to explore this city more. I need to reach out to this community. This city has so much to offer, wandering through it is a beautiful task in of itself. I propose to myself to try something new in KC at least once a month.
4. Respect heritage. In the past several years I have developed a deep respect and interest in my Norweigan cultural heritage. While I am only a fraction Norweigan, there are traditions that we celebrate in my family that are deeply rooted. In the next 12 months, I will visit Norway.
5. Everyone deserves the same love and respect I will give myself. I'm not sure if it getting older or my anxiety disorder, but I have come to love being by myself far too much. While you would assume that is healthy, for me it isn't. The more I am alone with my own mind, I start to think too much, I start to regret too much. My mom calls it "cocooning", I wrap myself up in a shell of blankets and I fret. I overthink conversations I had and fret over my intended meaning and what I always assume will be a misinterpretation. I fret over what other people think of me. This constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing weighs on me so heavily. It's why I hate going to parties and shows. The constant fear of judgement. It's why I've been called an "ice bitch", I'm quiet, and I rarely start up conversations with strangers. It's also why I rarely reach out to people, it's why I have a hard time making and keeping friends. I'm guarded and I need to let this guard down. This will be my most difficult task, a change in my most stubborn trait. But I propose to myself to text or call someone at least once a day. 
This manifesto, which really devolved into a goal list, will not be an easy change. But I desperately need change. I desperately need to regain confidence in myself and to be an interesting person again. I use to the phrase interesting person not to define me but rather to allow myself to have interests again. Less defining me by how I believe others perceive me. I am me and I need to change, but not because of anyone else, because I need to be a better person, a good person. And at this moment I cannot say that about myself.